Throughout my life, I always had to think about my childhood. There, as a five-year-old, I experienced nightmares of different kinds every night. Either I dreamed of sitting in a car and running along dangerous serpents, or little devils were hiding under my blankets, waiting for me to enter the room, to jump out and chase me. Since I had to go to bed at 8 o’clock already, or even earlier, it was a torment for me as a child, the 8-10 hours to keep up with the sunrise. In doing so, I designed the most interesting side-lay techniques, so that my body did not turn on its back during the night, because in this position the nightmares were the worst…
Of course this did not worked at all, because I was so tired after a while that I slept in at midnight – even if I had fought against it. My body quickly turned to my back and a few minutes later I awoke in my sleepy, rigid and immobile body and could not move me a millimeter! Now the sinister scenario began…
A black shadow appeared in my children’s room. I could not see it directly, but all my inner senses were active and tense, they felt his presence very clearly! It crept through the room and then it crawled upstairs on my floor. I could feel the mattress lowering as it leaned on it, it then crawled over my body and sat down on mychest. There it took my breath away and I could barely breathe. With all effort and violence, I tried to move my fingers to push it down from me.
A psychologist will now believe that I was abused as a child. A psychiatrist will presumably assume, that I had experienced a trauma and then received delusions and a well-caring father would tell me that this was all imagination and that dreams are only foams, while a Ufologist will assume that I got visited from extraterrestrials.
I am aware of all these possible interpretations, but everything is quite different…
Somehow I always managed to throw the black shadow from me. It disappeared there too often, and then came back in the next or later that night, hoping I would sleep. But the nightmare horror show had not yet come to an end, because then I slept at some time and the nightmares continued in other places. In these dreams it was about gaining so much consciousness in my dream that I could muster the strength to get me out of my sleep and escape into the waking state. But it was not easy for me, for example I woke up in my bed, but it was a false awakening.
I only dreamed I had woken up, thought I had saved me, got out of bed and went to the kitchen to drink something. In the kitchen I was still looking for the water bottle or milk that I had left there the evening before. If necessary, I opened the refrigerator and looked inside, but I found no milk in it, but a red devil, which screeched to me. Immediately I realized that I was dreaming and fled into the waking state. At last, however, I woke up into my bed, but only to find out that I dreamed again and had just awakened again. With all my strength, I continued the fight, and finally wished I was in the waking state. Then I awoke in my bed, sat up, looked around suspiciously, and shouted loudly to my parents. Shortly thereafter, my parents came to my bed and told me that dreams were only foams and that they had no meaning.
I looked at them critically because not only were the dreams as real as reality, but maybe I was still in a dream and do not recognize it! So these two people were not my real parents, but strangers who were part of my dream. They were acting normally, so I asked the all-encompassing question:
“Am I really awake or still dreaming?”
“Of course you are awake,” they replied, but a few seconds later I felt something lurking that arose in them. This was followed by the absolute certainty that they had agreed to calm me, and in reality they had other plans. They radiated an incredible coldness and recklessness and wanted me to forget my dreams and all that! They were absolutely aware of their words and had forged a plan that did not open up to me.
However, I should stay with them forever, that’s what I could read in them. So it was a dream, because these could not be my parents! Now I tried to wake up with all my strength, but all I could do was change my parents in a certain way. Now they radiated with an incredible warmth and were very dear to me. They gently talked to me and reassured me. This was an effect, I noticed very cold and reckless parents in the one minute, and in the next minute they were loving and warm. It changed several times and it irritated me, but inside I knew that I was still dreaming. This could not be my reality and therefore not my real wakefulness! So I fled again from the dream, in the hope of finally being awake for real!
Again I awoke in my bed and called my parents! They came to my bed and were gentle and affectionate to me. It was nice that they had come to look after me, but I knew this was again a dream. All my efforts had been useless. I could do whatever I wanted, either I landed in the nightmares or in those two realities where I woke up in a nursery and the parents were loving or ruthless. What should I choose? Should I now go back to the strange realities and fight there against demons or choose one of the two parent versions? So I decided for the loving and gentle parents, if I had to stay in that dream…
The nightmares of the night went back slowly and my parents I only took in the one version, for which I had decided. Still, it was clear to me that I was still in a dream. I just did not manage to wake up! And that is exactly what exists today!
That’s why this story is titled “Jonathan’s Dream” since I still dream to be Jonathan, because he had not managed to wake up in his childhood. All this I forgot with the years and I remembered only small fragments without any meaning.
Meanwhile, however, through my meditation, I have been able to put together and recollect more and more what my childhood is, and this discovery has always been the most frightening.
How can I be sure I did not wake up?
That’s a good question. In my childhood, after awakening, I always examined the environment for the tiniest clues to determine whether I was awake or dreaming. Quite soon it occurred to me that it was a dream and then set all the levers in order to find my real awakening at the next jump into the dream world. Today I recognize that I am still dreaming because I am not the one who breathes. I am breathed and for this reason I know that I am still really lying in my bed and sleeping… which means that I am dreaming right now, how I put up an article as Jonathan in Jonathan’s blog on the Internet, dealing with this Subject.
This is Jonathan’s dream, which is still going on. He was in search of his real wakefulness and failed. This prompted him to look for an end all his life, guarded by various guards, who call themselves fear, doubt, and reason. But this is not just Jonathan’s dream, but the dream of anyone who lives on this planet… or who has forgotten all this and now actually believes that he is awake.
~.~
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